3 burns later | pennypampers's Blog

But they are healing now. Scabbing over. I feel alive and yet the fear of death lingers all around me. I can't seem to find my passion and I thought today a good bumber sticker would read if you can't find your passion you best get yourself a hobby. Yeah. So here I am. My past counselor theorised I had multiple personality disorder and I was put on risperdal. Ha. Medications just frak me up though and I know I am not better for them. Yet I wonder if there is something this cognitive-behavioural therapy. Be in the moment of awareness. There is another word I am looking for but I am kind of losing it in my mind right now. An awareness of moment of being. I think my therapy helped but it kind of lost me too and I don't get to see as much therapy now as I would like to and I am kind of wondering if any one really cares. Cutting and burning myself kind of relieves the pressure but it's not really enough is it? I'm here in thought you know. Present. Hmm. The word is eluding me. I do not know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I feel others feel I am crying wolf. And I'm not but I suppose it seems that way because I'm so confused and not really sure of myself and I don't really know what is real and what is not but most of the time it feels pretty real and that scares me. So what to do? I don't know. I don' know. Ah. All these thoughts and toegetherness too. There are exercises I am sure which could free my mind but I do not know.  And there is a thought. Huh. Yeah. Time has gone by and she's gone now. And she will never be again in my living life...just in my heart, my soul and my thoughts. And I wonder if it's all me now and not her and all my thoughts and feelings are just variations...facets of myself and the real her is lost to me. A part of me is gone. sometimes I see her in the mirror except I perfer pink lipstick and she could wear the heck out of red. She was so bold. Just to be able to have a conversation with her right now. That would be so... Oh gosh. Hmm. I miss her. I don't know how I will go on her without her and yet here I am doing just that. Yeah. I'm stil looking for that word. I use to hear it a lot in therapy. Ha. I did pay close attention. I know I did. I was such a good broken group member doing what I was supposed to do to open up and heal myself. Anyway. :) pennypampers

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