on the boat | pennypampers's Blog

And here that I am that I am. I figure life is good and life is grande and life is life and so on and so. But there is more time to go and more thoughts to see. And everything is as it is or so it seems. And lately I have been going through changes and I just don't know. I am doing what I do and of course it could have been more you know? I could have done more. But life is more and I am liviing my life and doing what I can to make those around me well and do alright and it's not easy but it's not bad either. It's kind of neither. You know? Ha. Something like that. I want to be I don't know. I am doing what I have always done and of course making no sense at all but isn't that part of what I've always done? I have been thinking about my time as a cna and  of time has being a patient. And when I was a patient I was reminded of when I was a cna and I thought that I could do that again....being a cna. But all this time has past and I have not done more to be a cna again. In fact I kind of just went to a whole opposite direction. Before the stroke I thought about selling gum balls and little cute things that I could go from place to place and fill my machines with all the cute little things but I had the stroke and after that I wanted to be a cna again and I renewed my cna by taking the test and passing the clinical and the question test and well I was happy to be a cna again. Only I was a cna on paper but I wasn't working a cna. I could have got a job at the snf I use to work at but I kept doing what I have been doing and kind of ...well I haven't heard from my teacher in a long time and I figure she has well written me off as some kind of headcase...which is what I am suppose.  And lately I have thought that being a cna was never really what I should have been. I wanted to be a nurse before I was a cna....back when I worked nocs and I wanted to take care of people the way I did at the assisted living facility and I had formed real relationships with those residents and I took care of them and I was there for them and I heard their stories and their lives and sometimes their death. But I was really caught up in the whole thing and I was sure I wanted to be a nurse. After I got my cna I was working at a snf and I ...oh I don't know. I suppose that I took some turns and didn't take some other turns and maybe in a sense I was not myself and I wonder if I ever was myself. There is so many different versions of myself over the years and I figure in somewhere in that whole mess is me and who I am. I am happy and I am alive. I almost died. Now I am here and in recent times with what has happend in my life and the loves ones in my life...I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. And that is not unusual I suppose. I do like the job I have now but I wonder how long that can last in the scheme of things and I suppose nothing is meant to last. And where to go from here? I have decided to kind of give up and give in and just see what happens and maybe I will be inspired by some thing that comes along. And that's the thing you know...you go through life you think greener on the other side of the fence and I use perscribe to that thought but I found that it's not greener on the other side and things are usually kind of the same but different but the same.  Fear of having another stroke. Fear of not taking care of myself. Fear of losing my mind and not knowing what to do.  My thoughts and your thoughts and my thoughts and all thoughts and some thoughts. Yeah. :) pennypampers

Somewhere in my mind is somewhere in my mind and words that never were are sometimes come to be and what was in the 1980's is so so so long ago and small. And people I have known are gone and I remember listening to the song In My Life and crying and now I look back and can cry without the song but the song remains the same but I have changed. And life goes on.  The whole hard cold truth.  It's tough being depressed and it's tough to live life with less money and be homeless and all these thoughts that bombard me and those around me.  But I try to keep a positve mind and keep happy and move forward even as those around me fall into this oblivion of  thought but if they are right. And I end up in the streets and we all end up in the streets and we just get worse and worse and worse and we just give up even though I feel we have to try. Try to survive in some way. What else could we do. And what else can I do? Just let it all be and see what happens. ??? Oh whatever right.

So where do we go next? And what have I done? Nothing and everything and I can see that it all really doesn't matter in a small way and of course I have no idea what I am talking about. So there :) pennypampers